and the "Worst Mother of the Year Award" goes to.......

ME!

First, I'd like to thank all the little people that made this award possible, especially God, my parents, and those under 4 feet tall who inhabit my house but never seem to pay rent. (Laughter)

I know a lot of folks thought it would be hard to top my performance in this year's critically acclaimed "Birthday Blues" in which I played a woman so preoccupied with scheduling various family events she completely forgets her daughter's fifth birthday.
(Applause)

But little did you know that in addition to performing in dramas, I'm also part of the comedy team that wrote and directed "Kids is a 4 Letter Word." Audiences laughed and laughed at the scene when the little girl turns to her mommy as she's being tucked in at night and says sweetly "Mommy, you can get the h. e. double-hockey sticks out of my room now." They say never perform with children or animals, and now I certainly know why.
(Laughter)

And last but not least, there was my most recent role in the gripping psychological thriller, where two darling children are torn between a truth that could destroy everything they know, and the love of their parents. Did you like the surprise ending when the little girl courageously stands up in front of the whole class and informs her pre-k teacher that in fact, Santa Claus isn't real? It certainly surprised me! Personally, my favorite scene is when I ask her where she heard that and the little girl says "You said so at Grandma's."
(Laughter)

So, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the cast and crew of mommunism, I'd like to thank the members of the Parenting Academy for this year's "Worst Mother of the Year" Award! Eat your heart out Livia Soprano.
(Applause)